Beginning to think I'm losing it...

Yeah it's been a while since I've been here, hell I doubt anyone even reads this anymore anyway...not that I'm bothered really. I'm not writing this for it to be read, I'm writing this to get it out of my head, maybe seeing it written (well, typed if you wanna get technical) out then hopefully it'll stop me from completely losing my mind.

It's been 5 months now since I left University, been 2 months since I graduated from said University, and I'm still no closer to being employed anywhere in anything close to what I want to be doing. I had an interview for a job a week or so ago but it wasn't what was advertised and I wouldn't get to do what I want to be doing so I turned it down. I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea....but there's no point in doing something you don't want to be doing right? And they didn't want someone there who didn't plan on being there long so surely it wasn't that bad an idea, was it? I don't know, but hey you can't go through life looking back on every decision and dwelling on the what ifs, it's not healthy...I'm a living testament to that right now....

They say "beggars can't be choosers" (don't ask me who, pretty much everyone knows that one) and yeah they're probably right but I'm not looking to get myself sucked into some dead end job...I'm looking to build a career you know? Everyone keeps telling me to find a job to tide me over until I find something I want to be doing but I'm pretty sure I've exhausted my window of opportunity with the one job I actually did have for taking me back. I'm thinking "If I go back now, they'll think I've failed and am only coming back as a last resort." which although technically true they wouldn't appreciate that. It wouldn't be fair on them or me. "But Spud! Life isn't fair!" Yeah, I guess not but I don't wanna have to do something I don't want to be doing and didn't enjoy. Plus if I was able to go back there then there's always the fear that I won't be motivated to find something else...I know me, I'm like that. 

Right now I just feel like I've let everyone down, I came out of Uni expecting to be able to find something in my field in the place I want to be and so far all I've gotten has been two interviews for jobs that didn't turn out to be what I wanted them to be. Now I'm sat here sending out application after application trying hard just to get my foot in the door with absolutely no success! It's demoralising to say the least...and that's not even mentioning the rejection emails, when they even think to email you at all! There's only so many times you can open an email and read "We're sorry to inform you...." before you start thinking "What's the point?". I know I'm not an optimistic person, never have been, but I'm pretty hard to knock down...right now I'm down and I'm not even sure where to start pulling myself back up...go to Uni they said...

And that's only half of whats going on up in this mess of a head of mine, the other half I really can't write down as that might actually get read and get me further up a certain creek than I'd like without any form of buoyancy than I'd like...

AND I've got a spare gig ticket for a band I've been dying to see for ages but no one to go with, which is a pretty small thing in comparison to everything but it's not exactly helping.

Anyone reading this is probably sat there thinking "Jesus Christ man, lighten up!" and you're right, I need to stop looking at the negatives and start focusing on the positives in my life....just wish that list wasn't so fucking small....hey ho, it'll all work out in the end right? 

Time to think...

Yeah I know it's been like 8 months since I posted, who gives a shit? I doubt anyone even reads this anymore. 

I finished Uni 4 months ago and it's left me with way too much time trapped inside my own head. Too much time to think about everything I've done, everything that's gone wrong and what my future now holds...the worst part? After four months of nothing but thinking I've learned 3 things; 1. You are never not thinking about something, there's always a thought in your head. 2. I'm terrified of what happens now, and 3 (which is kinda the same as 2). I have absolutely no idea where I want to go, what I want to end up doing...where I plan to go with my life...and that scares me for a whole host of reasons....

First off, I see all these people from my year that have left uni and gone straight into something, knowing exactly what they want to do, where they want to be and I can't help but think "Should I be the same?" I mean it's not like I'm not trying to find work, I am but so far the only luck I've had is a call centre selling solar panels and a company up in Lincoln that shortlisted me for interview and then turned me down before I even had an interview. So as we can see things are going great there. Then I'm sat here thinking "why don't I know what I want to do? What could I do? What do I want to do?" And I can't seem to answer any of those questions...except part of the last one. 

I want to help people, I'm always trying to help people, I like to think I'm good at it and that I always put other people before myself. But what can I do to help people? I'm trying to find work in hospital labs doing whatever technician work they have but I'm having no luck at all. That would be helping people wouldn't it? Running tests and stuff? I'm not exactly a people person after all, hardly suited for dealing with people directly, but I could at least help find out what's wrong. Of course I've always been interested in renewable energy, so I'd love to get into maybe R&D for that but I'm not an engineer, not a material scientist, so again I'd be doing testing for stuff, which I'm happy with, it's just impossible to find the work...

Slowly this whole unemployment thing is driving me insane. It's giving me way too much time to think about everything, who I am, what am I going to do and all the other stuff that's happened to me recently...let's just say that right now my hea isn't the place I want to be but so far all my attempts to do something about it have failed horribly. I'm feeling pretty shitty right now...

I've always had an interest in snowboarding (mentioned that before) so I was give the idea of maybe making something of that, which is all well and good but I need the money to get out there and learn and take an instructors course. Something that we've seen is pretty damned hard to do at the moment...

I don't know, like I've said, right now I'm in a bad way and nothing seems to be getting any easier. Job applications being ignored left, right and centre meaning I've got nothing to bring me out of my head, leaving me to stew in my thoughts...on te bright side though at least I've managed to catch up on all the TV I had to watch...that's something right..?

I didn't forget! Promise!

I was very tired yesterday from a weekend of playing ultimate and so I couldn't be bothered to write a post. Today I've been pretty busy working on an assignment which is hopefully nearly done.

I got my new fish! I've always wanted to own a couple of goldfish and now I do! I named them Jones (as in Davey Jones) and Craggy. Craggy gets his name from someone's inability to spell the word "Kraken" (not naming names....Jess) and refering to it as the Craggon. I'll admit they sound kind of similar but still, she's not going to live that one down! Apparently goldfish can live for up to 25yrs with some decent care so that's going to be interesting to see how long they last. There is every chance that they won't survive the trip up to Lincoln on Saturday but here's hoping! I'd like to think I'm able to keep a pet fish alive for more than two weeks!

This weekend just gone was LSD Warm Up 2014! I was really looking forward to it but things had been pretty manic leading up to it. A few hiccups along the way lead to a very stressed out Spud and a probably quite annoyed Jess having to put up with me. Thankfully at the last minute everything came together and so the weekend could go ahead with some minor tweaks!

As always it was a great laugh and I really enjoyed myself! Got some good feedback from the other teams that attended! There were only a couple little injuries and things but nothing too major. One of the guys from Flyght Club managed to take a chunk out of his chin...not just like a cut but a proper chunk out of it. Few more ice packs and couple strains but all in all nothing to serious. I would have loved to have played for two teams all weekend but sadly didn't have time and if I'm honest, after seeing how some of the players from two teams were at the end of the weekend, I'm kinda glad I didn't! Jess was absolutely knackered after double teaming with Lincoln 1 and WULF. The ladies ended up iron-manning a few of their games as did Stage 2, Lincoln 1 and Lincoln A. I honestly don't know how they managed it, they all looked half dead by the end of it. I was knackered after just playing for one team, let alone two and iron-manning a good few of their matches! Although considering I didn't exactly do anything over Christmas I was expecting to be a little off my game. Can't wait to get back to Lincoln and start training again!

The ladies team really pulled together throughout the weekend and I think the only thing that really let them down was the fact that their average height as a team is about 5' 1". They played some great ultimate and it's awesome to see how much they improved individually as well as a team.

Lincoln 1 ended up winning the Spoon award which was lovingly, if not a little hastily, decorated by Jess the night before. Plate, also a night before project, was awarded to Stage 2 along with the Spirit Stick (thanks to Ally for that one!). 1, 2, Hammer! ended up taking home the winner's trophy after a pretty great final against RED.

We've received a couple tournament invites since the weekend which should be a good laugh if I'm able to make it to them! Things are probably going to get a little intense with work over the next month so maybe a break to play a tournament would be good...before I start to go crazy in the lab and start talking to myself....Got an exam on the 14th which I haven't even started preparations for so that should be interesting. Also got an assignment due on the 17th which should be even more fun! Hopefully though I'm nearly done with it so can put it to bed soon and focus on revision for the upcoming test, but we'll see...Witness statements have a nasty habit of seeming simple enough but when you get to work on them they turn out to be something cooked up by Lucifer himself.

There's not all that much to say for now really, things are starting to heat back up what with the approaching term. I've got a load of lab time coming up to run my Dissertation experiment....Nervous? Yeah kinda. I mean I've worked on my own project before but this is something different. It's going to be interesting to see how things pan out but we won't know until I get in there and get started. There's a chance my experiment turns up nothing interesting at all but who knows? Gotta give it a go!

Catch ya later folks