*sigh*

Creative title huh? Meh.

Days like today lead to nights like tonight...I'm fucking sick of it. I spend so much of my time assurin people things will get better for them, being there to tell them not to worry about the stuff that's got them done, to keep moving forward to keep soldiering on...and to their credit it does work out. Things get better and they are happy and content and that's great. Never think I'm not happy for someone when they succeed, you couldn't be more wrong if you thought I wasn't happy when I see a friend succeed at something! 

But then there's me. I've been out of uni and unemployed for what is fast approaching 11months.....nearly a whole fucking year!! What the hell man? I joked that if I got to being unemployed for a year then I need to seriously re-evaluate my life...looks like I should get an early start huh? The rate things are going I'm going to get stuck in that ever so delightful loop of "you need experience for this job" but I can't get the experience because no-one is willing to give it. Not even for free. Least not in my area. 

Then there's the whole "do you drive?" Question. What does it matter? I'm unemployed so I can't afford to drive even if I could drive. So how would that help exactly? 

I guess I fell victim to the trap of going to uni and coming out with a degree and thinking "shit yeah, here I come professional world!" But not realising that THAT is exactly what every other science graduate in my year is thinking. So now you've got what...20,000? New scientists all looking for work and maybe a handful of graduate roles available. Long odds huh? 

Hell I can't even apply for most internships because the pay is terrible and I shit you not I'm "over-qualified" but I'm too inexperienced to get a real job so here I am stuck in limbo....to skilled to get an internship and too fresh to get a job. What the hell am I supposed to do? (Wow I'm really throwing out the rhetorics today huh?) 

Yeah...anyone reading this is probably going to think "get over yourself" and to be honest yeah, I probably agree. But after a year, a whole fucking year, I'm just so fucking tired. I've got a degree that I'm still yet to utilise except when people ask me questions in conversation and I can give an answer...that's it. My degree has essentially given me the ability to create small talk.

Best 9 grand I ever spent. 

Stars above...

You know, I thought I was doing well? Ever since my ex broke up with me I've been trying my hardest to be more optimistic...and I thought I was doing a good job of that....guess I was wrong once again.

I'm just so fucking tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. All I keep getting is shit from my parents like I'm not trying to find a job. Like I'm enjoying being sat around....yeah for the first month maybe it was fun....but after 12? Urgh...just wish I knew what to do...well I know what to do, but the how appears to be beyond my capacity at every turn.

Like I said. Days like today lead to nights like tonight where I'm finding it real hard to care about anything....there's only so many times you can get knocked back before beginning to wonder "why even bother?"

Whistler

So last time I said about how my new plan is to get my old job and save the money to learn to snowboard and head off to Whistler in Canada? Well that hasn't changed. It won't change. It can't change. 

I've had many different life ambitions over the years, I wanted to be a member of an F1 pit crew, a games designer, a CSI, a sniper and a whole host of other things as well...but the one thing that has never changed has been my desire to learn to snowboard. A couple years ago I made a post talking about a snowboarding game that came out called SSX, it was another instalment of the SSX snowboard series from EA and arguably one of the best games they have released recently. 

SSX was the spark of this life long ambition for a pretty meaningless skill that you can only use occasionally and in certain areas. It's something I've always wanted to do ever since I played the first one of those games when I was like 6 years old. Why? Because it looks cool. That's literally the reason. Yeah it might be dangerous but it looks so cool! You get to spend all day playing in the snow up a mountain surrounded by breath taking views! What's not to love?

I don't really know why I'm writing this to be honest. No-one reads this, I don't publish it anywhere. My dream is still to learn to snowboard but I would still like to get into medical research or something along those lines while I'm waiting to have the money saved up. That's what it comes down to. Why haven't you done it yet? Because I haven't been able to afford it. Why aren't I doing it now? Because I still can't afford it. 

Rest assured the whole none of you that read this, I WILL do this, it's not an IF, it's a WHEN. I may not be off doing all these crazy adventurous things just yet, but I will be doing it just as soon as I can afford it. Just watch. I may not become important or well known but I'm determined to ride the Great Wall, see the northern lights, climb a mountain and a whole bunch of other stuff I've been waiting for the means to go out and do. There's a time and a place or everything. You just gotta wait for the right one.

Not all of them are big things, some are quite mundane, like meeting my favourite authors, learning to whistle properly (this one is actually getting somewhere) and being able to run a mile and a half in less than 10minutes. It's a simple goal and again I'm getting there, currently my best time is 12mins or something similar but it's been a couple months so I need to get back into practice.

I also need to visit New Zealand to see the sets for Lord of the Rings...don't let me forget that one.

Oh yeah, I also got shortlisted for an interview at a hospital in lincoln. That's pretty awesome and hopefully what I need to start off my adventures. I'm not saying I'm gunna be the next Bilbo Baggins, but I certainly plan on going on an adventure soon!

6 Months

Okay. Here's the plan. 6 months and I'm out of here. Raise the money working a shitty job to go to Canada and learn to snowboard/get my instructors qualifications. Spend the ski season out on the slopes. 

Step 1. Get old shitty job back.

Step 2. Use the "1-Day Learning to Snowboard" voucher the ex got me (yeah, me and Jess broke up. It sucks, I'm dealing with it. I think.)

Step 3. Save the money so that I can leave when I want to.

Step 4. Attend the two weddings I'm meant to be here in the UK for. 

Step 5. Get the hell out of here and start to learn Whistler Mountain like the first 151 pokemon.

Sound good? I mean hell, it's not like I've got any huge reasons to stick around here. Family are family no matter where I am in the world and keeping in touch with friends is a breeze thanks to facebook, skype and international call packages.

Beginning to think I'm losing it...

Yeah it's been a while since I've been here, hell I doubt anyone even reads this anymore anyway...not that I'm bothered really. I'm not writing this for it to be read, I'm writing this to get it out of my head, maybe seeing it written (well, typed if you wanna get technical) out then hopefully it'll stop me from completely losing my mind.

It's been 5 months now since I left University, been 2 months since I graduated from said University, and I'm still no closer to being employed anywhere in anything close to what I want to be doing. I had an interview for a job a week or so ago but it wasn't what was advertised and I wouldn't get to do what I want to be doing so I turned it down. I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea....but there's no point in doing something you don't want to be doing right? And they didn't want someone there who didn't plan on being there long so surely it wasn't that bad an idea, was it? I don't know, but hey you can't go through life looking back on every decision and dwelling on the what ifs, it's not healthy...I'm a living testament to that right now....

They say "beggars can't be choosers" (don't ask me who, pretty much everyone knows that one) and yeah they're probably right but I'm not looking to get myself sucked into some dead end job...I'm looking to build a career you know? Everyone keeps telling me to find a job to tide me over until I find something I want to be doing but I'm pretty sure I've exhausted my window of opportunity with the one job I actually did have for taking me back. I'm thinking "If I go back now, they'll think I've failed and am only coming back as a last resort." which although technically true they wouldn't appreciate that. It wouldn't be fair on them or me. "But Spud! Life isn't fair!" Yeah, I guess not but I don't wanna have to do something I don't want to be doing and didn't enjoy. Plus if I was able to go back there then there's always the fear that I won't be motivated to find something else...I know me, I'm like that. 

Right now I just feel like I've let everyone down, I came out of Uni expecting to be able to find something in my field in the place I want to be and so far all I've gotten has been two interviews for jobs that didn't turn out to be what I wanted them to be. Now I'm sat here sending out application after application trying hard just to get my foot in the door with absolutely no success! It's demoralising to say the least...and that's not even mentioning the rejection emails, when they even think to email you at all! There's only so many times you can open an email and read "We're sorry to inform you...." before you start thinking "What's the point?". I know I'm not an optimistic person, never have been, but I'm pretty hard to knock down...right now I'm down and I'm not even sure where to start pulling myself back up...go to Uni they said...

And that's only half of whats going on up in this mess of a head of mine, the other half I really can't write down as that might actually get read and get me further up a certain creek than I'd like without any form of buoyancy than I'd like...

AND I've got a spare gig ticket for a band I've been dying to see for ages but no one to go with, which is a pretty small thing in comparison to everything but it's not exactly helping.

Anyone reading this is probably sat there thinking "Jesus Christ man, lighten up!" and you're right, I need to stop looking at the negatives and start focusing on the positives in my life....just wish that list wasn't so fucking small....hey ho, it'll all work out in the end right? 

Time to think...

Yeah I know it's been like 8 months since I posted, who gives a shit? I doubt anyone even reads this anymore. 

I finished Uni 4 months ago and it's left me with way too much time trapped inside my own head. Too much time to think about everything I've done, everything that's gone wrong and what my future now holds...the worst part? After four months of nothing but thinking I've learned 3 things; 1. You are never not thinking about something, there's always a thought in your head. 2. I'm terrified of what happens now, and 3 (which is kinda the same as 2). I have absolutely no idea where I want to go, what I want to end up doing...where I plan to go with my life...and that scares me for a whole host of reasons....

First off, I see all these people from my year that have left uni and gone straight into something, knowing exactly what they want to do, where they want to be and I can't help but think "Should I be the same?" I mean it's not like I'm not trying to find work, I am but so far the only luck I've had is a call centre selling solar panels and a company up in Lincoln that shortlisted me for interview and then turned me down before I even had an interview. So as we can see things are going great there. Then I'm sat here thinking "why don't I know what I want to do? What could I do? What do I want to do?" And I can't seem to answer any of those questions...except part of the last one. 

I want to help people, I'm always trying to help people, I like to think I'm good at it and that I always put other people before myself. But what can I do to help people? I'm trying to find work in hospital labs doing whatever technician work they have but I'm having no luck at all. That would be helping people wouldn't it? Running tests and stuff? I'm not exactly a people person after all, hardly suited for dealing with people directly, but I could at least help find out what's wrong. Of course I've always been interested in renewable energy, so I'd love to get into maybe R&D for that but I'm not an engineer, not a material scientist, so again I'd be doing testing for stuff, which I'm happy with, it's just impossible to find the work...

Slowly this whole unemployment thing is driving me insane. It's giving me way too much time to think about everything, who I am, what am I going to do and all the other stuff that's happened to me recently...let's just say that right now my hea isn't the place I want to be but so far all my attempts to do something about it have failed horribly. I'm feeling pretty shitty right now...

I've always had an interest in snowboarding (mentioned that before) so I was give the idea of maybe making something of that, which is all well and good but I need the money to get out there and learn and take an instructors course. Something that we've seen is pretty damned hard to do at the moment...

I don't know, like I've said, right now I'm in a bad way and nothing seems to be getting any easier. Job applications being ignored left, right and centre meaning I've got nothing to bring me out of my head, leaving me to stew in my thoughts...on te bright side though at least I've managed to catch up on all the TV I had to watch...that's something right..?

I didn't forget! Promise!

I was very tired yesterday from a weekend of playing ultimate and so I couldn't be bothered to write a post. Today I've been pretty busy working on an assignment which is hopefully nearly done.

I got my new fish! I've always wanted to own a couple of goldfish and now I do! I named them Jones (as in Davey Jones) and Craggy. Craggy gets his name from someone's inability to spell the word "Kraken" (not naming names....Jess) and refering to it as the Craggon. I'll admit they sound kind of similar but still, she's not going to live that one down! Apparently goldfish can live for up to 25yrs with some decent care so that's going to be interesting to see how long they last. There is every chance that they won't survive the trip up to Lincoln on Saturday but here's hoping! I'd like to think I'm able to keep a pet fish alive for more than two weeks!

This weekend just gone was LSD Warm Up 2014! I was really looking forward to it but things had been pretty manic leading up to it. A few hiccups along the way lead to a very stressed out Spud and a probably quite annoyed Jess having to put up with me. Thankfully at the last minute everything came together and so the weekend could go ahead with some minor tweaks!

As always it was a great laugh and I really enjoyed myself! Got some good feedback from the other teams that attended! There were only a couple little injuries and things but nothing too major. One of the guys from Flyght Club managed to take a chunk out of his chin...not just like a cut but a proper chunk out of it. Few more ice packs and couple strains but all in all nothing to serious. I would have loved to have played for two teams all weekend but sadly didn't have time and if I'm honest, after seeing how some of the players from two teams were at the end of the weekend, I'm kinda glad I didn't! Jess was absolutely knackered after double teaming with Lincoln 1 and WULF. The ladies ended up iron-manning a few of their games as did Stage 2, Lincoln 1 and Lincoln A. I honestly don't know how they managed it, they all looked half dead by the end of it. I was knackered after just playing for one team, let alone two and iron-manning a good few of their matches! Although considering I didn't exactly do anything over Christmas I was expecting to be a little off my game. Can't wait to get back to Lincoln and start training again!

The ladies team really pulled together throughout the weekend and I think the only thing that really let them down was the fact that their average height as a team is about 5' 1". They played some great ultimate and it's awesome to see how much they improved individually as well as a team.

Lincoln 1 ended up winning the Spoon award which was lovingly, if not a little hastily, decorated by Jess the night before. Plate, also a night before project, was awarded to Stage 2 along with the Spirit Stick (thanks to Ally for that one!). 1, 2, Hammer! ended up taking home the winner's trophy after a pretty great final against RED.

We've received a couple tournament invites since the weekend which should be a good laugh if I'm able to make it to them! Things are probably going to get a little intense with work over the next month so maybe a break to play a tournament would be good...before I start to go crazy in the lab and start talking to myself....Got an exam on the 14th which I haven't even started preparations for so that should be interesting. Also got an assignment due on the 17th which should be even more fun! Hopefully though I'm nearly done with it so can put it to bed soon and focus on revision for the upcoming test, but we'll see...Witness statements have a nasty habit of seeming simple enough but when you get to work on them they turn out to be something cooked up by Lucifer himself.

There's not all that much to say for now really, things are starting to heat back up what with the approaching term. I've got a load of lab time coming up to run my Dissertation experiment....Nervous? Yeah kinda. I mean I've worked on my own project before but this is something different. It's going to be interesting to see how things pan out but we won't know until I get in there and get started. There's a chance my experiment turns up nothing interesting at all but who knows? Gotta give it a go!

Catch ya later folks

It's er....been awhile.....

The whole team from the Christmas Meal

First post in 4 weeks? Oops. In my defence, I've been busy! The last couple weeks have been hectic, literally not had time to sit down. You'd think that it being the first post for weeks that I'd have a lot to write about but I've pretty much forgotten what happened up til last week and I'm pretty sketchy on last week as well to be fair...Let's see what I can remember and we'll go from there!

Weekend at home! Wasn't really a weekend..more like a day and a half. The trip down was for the War & Peace Revival "Thank You" dinner. Basically all the people who have a part in running the show go down there and have a meal to say thanks and celebrate a job well done! It was a good laugh, a bit of a long night but worth the trip down.

The week following on from that was....painful. 6hrs of Forensic Toxicology coupled with an hour of Applied Forensic Analysis all on Monday. One helluva long day....Didn't leave much time to do pretty much anything after that. The rest of the week was pretty sparse which was pretty good considering the Monday we had! Spent a lot of the week not doing all that much. I should really have been getting some work on my Dissertation done...I'm getting there, slowly but surely I'm getting there! We had an all day lab practical on Friday which I've got to write an assignment on but I'll get around to that later, it's Christmas after all!

This happened...

That weekend the Lincoln Christmas Market was up and running which was amazing as always! I never get tired of walking around that place, you get to see some really cool stuff. I managed to pick up a Christmas present or two while I was there. Also tried a Kangaroo burger while there thanks to Jess. Don't get me wrong the burger tasted amazing but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with eating Skippy...

Then was time for possibly the busiest week of the term! I barely had time to breathe let alone do anything else. Another 6hr Tox marathon coupled with a trip to Hull and then another all day practical as well as the Frisbee Christmas Meal (I said I was busy). The trip to Hull was awesome! It was an indoor Varsity match setup with the Hulltimate guys. Varsity is an event held by a different Uni every year where all their teams get challenged by all the other nearby Unis. We sent three teams up there, First, Second and Mixed to play for the day. Only the First team game counted towards Varsity and what a game! The guys played amazingly well considering they were iron manning it and strolled away with a fantastic 10-5 win! Great way to kick off Varsity! Second team then came on to play another fantastic match with a 8-0 win! Mixed unfortunately lost, 4-2. We played hard but got unlucky in places. Still it was a great laugh and we all had a great day hanging with the Hulltimate guys.

Me and Jess from the meal....I wore a tie and everything.

The Christmas Meal was awesome! It's a very rare occasion that I suit up for an event (everyone knows I don't like wearing a suit) but I was told to dress smartly for once, so I did. Had a great night with the team as always! Good food in great company lead to a great time! Jess got a little annoyed at me for taking so long eating my cheesecake though...to be fair I was rubbing it in how good it was considering she's recently become lactose intolerant....it's a wonder how she put's up with me....

Last week was pretty hectic in the sense of catching up with folks from home really. This weekend gone however was amazing! Spent the weekend in Hampshire with Jess, meeting her folks and seeing the sights. It was a really great weekend, shame that it seemed to fly past so quickly. Took forever to get there and then once it was it was gone...Now I'm not going to see her for another 11 days and it's going to suck, but I'm sure we'll manage!

Now it's 2 days from Christmas and time for all those amazing Christmas movies! Hopefully it wont take me another month to make a new post, no promises though!

Merry Christmas folks!